Manager to Mom, Part Two: You Set the Rhythm

Manager to Mom, part two of four. Missed the start? Read part one here.

“What do you mean my child doesn’t have to do anything? They’re the one who needs to change.”

If that crossed your mind after part one (if you missed part one, you can read it here), it’s a fair question.

Did you know that every summer in the Great Smoky Mountains, thousands of fireflies blink at the same moment? They all flash six times fast, go dark together for a few seconds, then flash again, for hours at a time.

Lynn Faust’s family watched this show from their cabin in Elkmont for years. In 1991, she read a science article saying fireflies in this part of the world don’t flash together.

She knew what she had seen. She wrote to the scientists, and the next summer they came to Elkmont, stood in the dark woods, and watched it happen.

Years later, researchers wanted to know how the fireflies stay in rhythm. They put one firefly alone in a tent, and it flashed with no rhythm at all, a few flashes here and a few there.

When they added about twenty more fireflies, the flashing turned into steady bursts, all together. Each one watches the lights around it and matches them.

The same way the fireflies match the glow around each other, your child matches the calm or the stress around them.

You hold more influence in your child’s life than anyone else. Every time you talk with them, they’re picking up clues about who they are and what they’re capable of.

This is where it’s great news for you, because it does not require your child to do a single thing. You have way more control than you realize.

The only person any of us can control is ourselves, and that’s where your power lives. You get to set the rhythm.

Think about the people you love being around. They’re the ones who make you feel capable, and you find yourself standing a little taller when they’re near.

Your child is no different. Children naturally lean toward the people who make them feel capable, and they push back on anything that makes them question whether they are.

That challenge usually sounds like love. It’s the “if you would just” sentence, or well-meant advice on what to do next or how to do it better.

Your child resists, even when the help is good, because they want to be able to do it on their own.

This is also why, when someone else says the same thing you said, your child listens to them.

Think of yourself as the firefly that sets the rhythm.

Picture yourself looking at your child’s grades and seeing that missing assignment again. Your child can feel the tension in your body, even when you say all the right words.

There is a way to stay steady in that moment, so the light your child matches is a calm one. When your light stays calm and steady, your child starts to feel calm and steady too.

That’s when you start to see your child come to you and say, “Hey Mom, I’m having a hard time getting started. Can you help me?” You might also hear, “I asked my teacher for help today.”

Your child’s actions changed, and the only thing that changed was the way you showed up.

If your child is all in and open to your help, this works. If your child is open to your help only every now and then, this works.

If your child wants nothing to do with your help right now, this still works. Your child doesn’t have to say yes to you for your influence to reach them.

What you want is to see your child start moving forward on their own, isn’t it?

Navigating ADHD: The Masterclass shows you how to use the influence you already have, so you can stop managing and let your child lead instead.

To celebrate the end of ADHD Awareness Month, use code ADHD15 for 15% off any ticket through Sunday at midnight Eastern. The Masterclass is live and recorded, November 9 through 13.

Save my seat with ADHD15

See you in the Masterclass,

Tyler Dorsey

P.S. If your child is in elementary or middle school, there’s a seat for you too. The Masterclass is built for parents of high school and college students, and you’ll still walk away with aha moments about ADHD you can use at home right away.

Up next in Manager to Mom: part three lands in your inbox Sunday morning, and it will live right here too.